"You are beautiful, even though you're fat..."

Six weeks ago I was asked on a date. It was a friend of a friend, who took initiative, said nice things to me and told me he'd make a plan. If any of you don't know me, you should know that I really REALLY like it when men take initiative to plan a date.

Five weeks ago I went out on that date, that was planned by this charming man and it was one of the best dates I'd ever been on. He picked me up, he planned a fun date that didn't cost very much and we got to spend lots of time just talking. I loved every minute of it. The next day he text me a few times and it was all fun and light and flirty. This is what birthday wishes are made of people, BIRTHDAY WISHES. His life was complicated and so was mine, so we agreed to keep things light and simple.

Four weeks ago our separate complicated lives got more complicated. Tuesday he had asked me out for that Friday. Wednesday I got some bad news about my family and he got some bad news about his. Neither of us wanted to postpone so we decided to do something chill, he made dinner and we watched a movie at his house. 

Things went downhill from there. We watched too many movies and didn't talk enough, we got much too familiar physically and it was a struggle for both of us. I thought we should put a pin in it. He agreed that we should slow down, but he felt like we could obey the rules and make it work. It turned out to be false hope and things just got more complicated together, further complicating our individual lives. 

Even though I knew it was quickly turning into an unhealthy relationship I just couldn't end it. I couldn't walk away from this man who said nice things to me. I knew he wouldn't hurt me, physically anyway, it was just a matter of maintaining my own boundaries. Keeping my heart turned off and just letting myself enjoy the time we did spend together. He told me that I was beautiful, with no stipulations. He told me that I was amazing, no stipulations, his words felt real to me. I wanted so badly to believe he was being honest with me. I needed his words to be the truth. As I thought about why I needed to believe him I considered how often the words, "You're beautiful" were followed by, "I like big women" or "your weight doesn't bother me". A dear friend of mine told me once, "Amanda, you are so awesome, but I need a hot wife"... hold up, what? Don't flatter yourself pal, you weren't exactly on my radar. Another guy I dated said, "you look better with makeup on" and my friends fiance told me, "you are smart and pretty and have an awesome personality, but you are fat, and men aren't going to notice anything else". These were all experiences in my early twenties. 

When I was nineteen, I had lost a little weight and was talking to someone about how despite not meeting my goal weight yet, I still felt so much better about myself. His response was, "you just need to admit that you have a problem". I was a size 16, down from a 20. I was super active at work and could see the progress I was making. His words crushed my soul. 

I was always told by my parents that no one would love me if I was fat, so I never considered how inappropriate it was when people said these things to me. I didn't like the way it made me feel, but I never said anything. I never told them how small it made me feel or how much I wished they wouldn't say those things. My self esteem was just developing and with each comment my worst fears were confirmed. I already said these things to myself. 

The last few weeks, I never felt like his compliments were stipulated. He made me feel beautiful and like I was enough. Men need to feel wanted, that is important for them to feel loved. Women need that too, but more importantly I suspect, women need to feel like enough. Like everything they don't like about themselves are things unseen, or things that don't matter. We are smart enough, we are beautiful enough, we are good enough. 

Last week my birthday wish of a relationship came to a screeching halt. The conversation started with

something along the lines of, "I get scared when I think about committing to one person, because there could be other women who I would be happy with". This loudly translated into committing to you would make me feel like I was settling. Then came the stipulations, "I see your beauty, despite not wanted to be stuck with someone who let themselves go". He tried to hide behind health risks but I've been around long enough to know better. Loud and clear I hear you. 

I'll never tell him how he hurt me, because he doesn't deserve to know. He isn't responsible enough with my feelings to get to know the truth. Our truths should be shared with people who respect them and can protect them as closely as they need to be protected. 

I am smart enough - I am strong enough - I am beautiful enough - I am good enough

Real or Not Real?

11:37pm: As I sit here watching Chicago P.D., a barely touched bag of crunchy Cheetos beside me, I contemplate the life choices which have lead me to this moment. I am 29, I started college in 2014, not again, not back at it... I STARTED college 3 terms ago. I work for a local paper, but just helping with advertising, I am not even cool enough to be one of those, on the ground reporters that are all interested and and involved.

 I moved home a few years ago and sleep on a twin mattress in my step father's house. I started seeing a therapist roughly six weeks ago and my world has essentially been turned upside down.

Two weeks before I started seeing a therapist, I sort of started dating someone. The Idea I may or may not actually be dating someone causes me night sweats and heartburn on a regular basis. Most people are super happy when they start dating someone and everything gets bright and shiny and the world becomes all butterflies and rainbows. Let's be real, I don't have time for that shit. I mean, I have real issues here, real problems. I'm overcoming real life horror stories, stories which lifetime movies over dramatize and people sit watching like a train wreck unable to look away, hand halfway to mouth with popcorn, but too shocked to actually make it all the way.

The first time I spent one on one time with the guy who causes more anxiety any normal person would care to endure, it almost felt like butterflies and rainbows, but it was like tainted with a murky blue fog which kept the bright and shiny more of a dull and dreary. Like when you see beautiful flowers that are potted in manure and no matter how wonderful they look the smell is just too much. Don't misunderstand, he was so nice and so cute and he made all my insides fuzzy and awesome, but even though he was open about thinking I was beautiful and wanting to date me, I just couldn't actually believe that someone would be interested in me. So after a few days, I sort of freaked out and told him we needed to just reevaluate the situation. My freak out was three days before my birthday. A couple days after my birthday I met with a woman who I immediately trusted and wanted to tell my whole life too. In our first meeting I told her a story, one I had often recited to people who ask about my troubles. The story I told her, to me, is just something which happened, not something I feel. As the words tumbled out of my mouth with no feeling, her mouth dropped open and if I am not mistaken she was trying to conceal the tears in her eyes. I was shocked, she was a therapist, surely she hears things like this all the time. Lots of people have issues. Lots of people have been through terrible things, so why was this story, told with no emotion affecting her the way it did? After I told her one of my stories, she began asking me questions. I answered all her questions and the more I thought about them after our meeting the more I realized how well she knew the me who I don't let anyone know.